Reflecting...

I was sitting here reading through my journal the other day. I've had it since May 2020 so I decided to see how much I've changed in the past two years. Its crazy. I moved out of my moms house in the middle of the pandemic. It was just me and my best friend and we lived together for over a year. Reading through my journal I realized how much I have grown. I was very needy, afraid of conflict, hard on myself, and a whole lot more.

I remember reading one part where I was really berating myself. What for? Because I realized how hard being an adult was. I had to be responsible for paying the bills and buying groceries. Sometimes it got overwhelming and stressful because it felt like I couldn't keep up half the time. But I was still learning how to be an adult. No one ever taught me how to manage money so I was trying to learn how to do that too in the process. Then around November 2020 things started to shift. Work didn't feel draining like it used to, I was on top of all the bills, and while we didn't have much food I attribute that to me not knowing how to actually grocery shop. I didn't even know I was doing it wrong until this year! But after November I noticed my verbiage began to change. I complimented myself. I told myself good job. Even in the midst of stress I made sure to keep a positive attitude. I know I probably had some days where I wasn't as positive, but maybe I didn't feel like it was important if I didn't write about it.

Then I saw I wrote some poems. I had forgot all about them. I'll share one with you guys.

This one I wrote in January 2021.

Blue skies

Night stars shine

The Earth is beautiful;

From the flowing leaves on the trees

To the little bees

Flowers bloom and grow

Then later there's snow

How this Earth came to be

Is always amazing to me

Gratefulness

Its the best way to describe

This feeling inside

Look around at all you can see

You were created to be

To be light

To be love

To be everything you can be and more

Don't ever be unsure

Of who you are

Of what you can accomplish

Of anything

Be you

Be free

Be all that you were called to be

And always be sure

That the one who put you here

Is just on the other side of that door

Let him in

He wants to be your friend

He created this beautiful place for you

All the trees

The flowers

The snow

The stars that glow

He made all of it

So just sit

And soak it in

Because this isn't the end.

I'm not sure what inspired me to write it. But I think its a beautiful poem. I'm grateful that I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm wiser, more loving, less judgmental, kinder, and even though I know I still have more growing to do I'm proud of how much I've grown so far. I'm grateful that even when I was stressed out and feeling low God was always there to pick me up and let me know that he was still there. I can say with the utmost certainty that going through all of that was something I needed. It definitely taught me to have faith and trust God even when things seemed to be falling apart. Because no matter how many times I didn't have enough to pay bills or pay my rent I was never evicted and nothing ever got shut off. So I thank God for how far I've come and I can't wait to see what the next few years will bring.