Love & Loneliness

I'm 23 years old and I have never been in a relationship before. Its been hard. There were so many times I felt lonely or I felt like I would never find anyone. It was worse when I would see all of my friends in relationships. I kept trying to convince myself that I didn't care. That I was okay being by myself. But, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it never worked. I still felt just as lonely.

One particular time all my friends were in relationships and I felt left out. There was a guy who started paying attention to me. Now I knew that we weren't meant to be together. I knew I didn't actually like him the same way he liked me. But at the time I didn't care. I saw it as an opportunity to finally have a boyfriend. To finally not be alone anymore. Especially since my friends were hanging out with their boyfriends most of the time. So, I said yes to a date with him. I said yes to being his girlfriend. But deep down inside I knew I didn't really like him.

After about a month I broke up with him. It was hard to do because I knew how much he liked me and I didn't want to hurt hum. But I knew I had to do it because what I was doing was wrong. It wasn't fair to either of us to stay in the relationship. I rushed into it. I got tired of waiting. Looking back now I wish I would've waited. But I did learn a valuable lesson during that time. Its not okay to mess with peoples feelings whether its intentional or unintentional. I had to learn to love myself and be okay with being by myself first. That’s the journey I’m on now. Getting closer to God and getting closer to me. Learning what I like and don’t like. Learning how I respond to things. It was a hard pill to swallow at first trying to learn to be by myself. But now I’m loving it. I’m learning new things about myself that I didn’t know before. Accepting every part of myself no matter if it’s beautiful or ugly. It’s made it easier to wait. It’s made me focus on what’s really important. My relationship with myself. Because if I don’t know and love myself how can I expect someone else to be able to?

Now my best friend is in a very loving relationship. One that she's prayed for. At the stage of life I'm in now I'm not jealous or lonely. Instead I feel hopeful that I'll have a love like that one day. It makes me excited to see what's in store for me. Its something I'm very much willing to wait for. I don't know how long I'll have to wait. But I do know its better than rushing into a relationship that isn't right for me.

There are going to be hard days. But, you have to know that it does get better. You have to know that sometimes being by yourself is the best option. Love is a beautiful thing and sometimes beautiful things take time. It doesn't mean it will never happen. Don't lose hope. Don't lose faith. Cause who knows? You're love could be right around the corner.